Guidelines - Hurtful Comments from Friends

Guidelines for Confronting Friends on Mixed-Hurtful Comments

"I don't find  _________s attractice."

"You know who I don't find attractive? _________s."

"I don't think ___________s are hot.  They're too _________."

You've heard all of these before.  You're chatting with someone, (a friend, an acquaintance, a coworker), and they drop the not!attractive bomb.  You casually mention that you're actually part __________.

Here comes the kicker:

"No offense."

This conversation has been a major thorn in the side of people of color.  "No offense?"  Um, no, plenty of offense!

As a friend of mine pointed out to me, if you start a comment with "I'm not racist, but....," then probably you know that it's hurtful in some way.  

But what if you're talking to a good friend?  Or a family member?  Calling someone on their hurtful way of expressing personal opinions is always awkward.  As a multiracial and/or multiethnic individual, you're in a position where you might have to defend your mixed, blended identity and why the other person's racially insensitive comment is not ok.

In this post, we'll discuss why statements like these are offensive, and lay out some guidelines as you, mixed-__________ teen, college student or young adult, can follows when responding to someone you know (and generally like) says that __________s aren't attractive.

How Are These Statements Offensive?

• Generalizing

• You blanket all ______s as something.

• How would you feel if someone said that they found all ______s, one of your identities, unattractive?  Not taking in anything unqiue about you, ignoring you as a person and only considering you with a _____ label?

• Alienating

• Yes, everyone has their own opinions and preferences.  But making broad statements that apply to everyone out there who identifies as a certain way is not going to do you any favors.

• If you really want to share your thoughts, consider rephrasing.
• i.e. "I've never dated someone who identifies as ______ before."

• Demeaning

• You're calling a whole bunch of folks unattractive.  How is that not demeaning?

                                                               

Confrontation Guidelines

• Be honest

• If the statement hurts you, you need to let the other person know.  You've got midterms, job applications and plenty of other things you need to stress over.  This isn't one of them.

• Especially if this is someone close to you, make it clear how and why the statement hurts a blended, mixed person like you.  Yes, you'll feel even more vulnerable, but think about it this way:  one awkward, vulnerable conversation is going to be less hurtful that continued unthinking, hurtful statements over time.

• Consider your timing
• You know yourself better than anyone else.  Play to your strengths, and anticipate how you can time things to your benefit.
• If you think you'll chicken out, say something immediately.  If you lose your cool in confrontations, take your time and approach this person after you've prepared what and how exactly you're going to say.

• Consider your environment
• Both of you will be more willing to discuss things if you're both in a comfortable space.
• If you have an audience, or you're not in an appropriate environment, have your talk with this person someplace else.

These aren't hard and fast rules for confronting someone you know about racially insensitive comments.  As a multiracial, multiethnic, mixed person, it's not always easy.

That's why it's so important to build community and awareness of mixed folks, particularly in young people.

What are your thoughts?  Do you have any advice for confronting people you generally like?  Let us know!  As aways, remember that this is a safe space.

Go out and do something fun!

<3 Elise "The Mixed Blogging Chick"